Funnylass

For Exceptional People Everywhere

Funnylass

Rather Arch Juxtaposition

I’m a diehard fan of The Archers. I enjoy writing my own scripts for them and pretending that I somehow live and dwell in a more working-class, West Yorkshire version of Ambridge. Yes, I have no shame, I realise this. With this in mind – I’ve created ‘The Archers Death Metal Band Name Generator.’ With […]

Too Much Wine Leads To …

This week marked the first time I’ve been inside a church since lockdown. It was masks, no singing, handgel before/after communion and no shaking of hands during the Sign of the Peace (good – because I always hated that bit anyway. Enforced touching. Bleugh.) But Joy still abounds! For the vicar in particular – as […]

African Pride?

Discussing daughter’s forthcoming 16th birthday… ME: At last – I’ve thought of something to buy for your 16th!DAUGHTER: Yeah?ME: Yup. And I know you’re into using local artisans and producers and that for gifts. So I’ve found us one. They do fab, ‘individually inspired’ gifts.DAUGHTER: Cool. So…what’s the thinking?ME: They do T-shirts, hoodies. Ethically sourced […]

Return – or Run Away?

THE BIG RETURN TO SCHOOL DAY, POST LOCKDOWN 25 WEEKS OF NO SCHOOL. In kitchen with kids: ME: Oh no! I totally forgot. Your school said I was meant to sit and talk to you about your anxieties and fears – before you go back. SON: What about? Why? What’s happening? ME: (Ignoring him. He […]

Terrors and Fears

High school return post-lockdown and kids – and parents’ – fears: ME: I can totally relate to the fears that kids have right now. I spent an entire year – when I was about 10 – worrying whether I’d spontaneously combust. It’s frightening, How anxious you can become. So fast. HUSBAND: Was that the same […]

Effective Punishment

“Hey, Mum”, my daughter said. “We’ve just got, like 10 pages of guidance on returning to school. Most of it’s about nail varnish, trousers, new form allocations and parents-using-cars for drop-off-coz-they’re-scared-so-which-entrances n exits in case we catch the Pox on the way to school because if they don’t drive us there, we’ll be like – […]