Scenario – Myself. Plus my lovely 7 yr old daughter in VERY crowded and VERY small sweetie shop on New Years Eve. Buying her a ‘treat’ for good behaviour. (Those of you about to get out the Parenting Manual – kindly Sod Off. If you DO have kids, you clearly have ones who are from a much easier to manage gene pool. And actually,  who are probably very dull indeed).

ME: Right then. What do you want me to get for you and your brother? You have been such an angel today. You really have been a fantastic help, chickie!

No response from daughter. She seems to be overwhelmed by the chance to Do Sugar Rush Overdose. Or perhaps she is plotting to stick half of the gummy bears down her knickers in order to hide them from her brother, like she did last time.

ME: Did you hear me sweetie? I was just saying what an angel you have been. You have been helping Daddy so much – he was really impressed. And it made things so much better for us all when your brother was kicking off big time over his carrots.  Yes. You really have been a little angel.   Now you don’t hear me calling you that ever day, do you?!

HER:  No. You usually just call me ‘Scumbag’. It’s better than that, I suppose.

People in the shop burst out laughing and do not stop for a long time.  Despite my pathetic attempts to rectify the situation (“Honestly! We have never called our children ‘Scumbag’! I don’t even know how she *knows* that word!”) the other customers are having convulsions. Three teenage girls are laughing so hard, that one of them chokes on her Sherbet Dab and has to be led from the shop by her friends…
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Postscript – After leaving the shop, I asked my daughter how she knew the word ‘Scumbag’ and how she knew what context to use it in. I was somewhat worried that her ‘Offsted Outstanding’ school has been encouraging its Year 2 pupils (in the spirit of Choice and Empowerment) to select the words used for the collective Class Reward Chart (i.e. ‘Three Cheers for Max this week! He has finally moved off the SCUMBAG ladder! Now then – who has made it onto the ‘Swotty Arse’ ladder this week?”).

However, it turns out that “Daddy always shouts it when teenagers walk slowly out in front of the car when he is driving it”.